I have had this blog for over three months now, and still do not think I have properly introduced how I arrived here. Sure, my bio is a quick summary of my journey within social justice, however, it barely scratches the surface. So, over the past week, while I pondered different topics, I ended up arriving here, so you’re welcome, or I’m sorry… not entirely sure how this will end yet.
I do not want to bore you with every little life detail but do want to provide some context. I was born into an interracial family. My mom is white, and my dad was Black. And while my mom is Jewish, she does not outwardly present as so (perhaps, as self-preservation), so she still moves through many spaces with much privilege.
Initially, I assumed this made me bi-racial, and in the very basic sense of the term, I am. However, as I grew up in a town where whiteness seemed to be the most valuable quality one could hold, I was only ever seen as one thing: Black. Unfortunately, I did not always understand this.
Looking back now, I realize others’ perceptions of my Blackness made life more complicated. I became accustomed to friends sticking things in my hair, backhanded compliments, such as “You sound very intelligent for a Black girl,” or all the gas-lighting that occurred the moment I raised just one concern. And even through all the torment, I was left with one thing, shame. So, I begged to be seen as someone different… someone, white.
White was all I ever saw, and all those around me saw, and maybe that’s why I felt it was all I could ever be. This lack of diversity caused a real disconnect between me and my culture, which translated into a lot of internalized racism. There was a point in time, where I too thought discussing race was problematic and made me a bad person. There were moments where I played devil’s advocate as we watched police brutality unfold on the early morning news before us. There were tropes I played into just to humor my white “friends.” I was anything but educated.
And this continued until 2016, when I finally had the opportunity to connect with my culture and for once in my damn life was handed a book that was not written by a white person. While I felt a lot of my experiences were validated, hello, gaslighting, I also felt deeply disturbed by the harm I had contributed to. But being truly concerned meant I would hold myself accountable and do better.
Yes, this was a great place to start, but I continued to fuck up occasionally and continue to fuck up now. I could go into so much more detail about how I have, do, and will continue to fuck things up, but I think its more important to emphasize that it gives me the opportunity to evolve. And I would like to think at the end of the day, we would all hope to evolve. Because, at the forefront, social justice is about race, gender identity, sexual identity, disabilities and more, and deep down it is about basic human rights to respect, love, and safety. We all want to feel respected, loved, and accepted exactly as we are.
So, I’ll just close with this little excerpt about where I am now:
Initially, I assumed this made my bi-racial, and in the very basic sense of the term, I am. However, as I grew up in a town where whiteness seemed to be the most valuable quality one could hold, I recognize now I was only ever seen as one thing: Black. I am Black. And I am proud. And I will continue to show up for all who have been silenced, shamed, and discarded for who they are.
